stumbling

stumbling

Saturday, January 25, 2014

You treat your child with autism exactly the same as any other child?– Bulls#*t!



We were sitting in a support group listening to the early intervention specialists.  One of them had a child with Down’s syndrome that was almost 18.  Naturally, we started asking questions about navigating the school system and setting the standards for her daughter’s upbringing.  “She treated her daughter with Down’s syndrome exactly the same as her other children!”  Her friend proudly stated.  I couldn’t hold back and I blurted out “That can’t possibly be true!  Even with neuro-typical children you can’t treat them all the same!  How are you going to do that for a child with special needs?”  I realized my response was a little explosive and I needed to pull back a little.
“Well I didn’t necessarily treat all my children the same, but I had the same expectation for all of them.”  I smiled and nodded.  I felt like I had crossed the boundary of a polite listener with my previous comment, so I didn’t say anything else.  Nevertheless, this was bullshit too.  This woman had just finished explaining to us that her daughter would spend up to several weeks working on a language arts lesson that took her neuro-typical peers just days.  Did she ‘expect’ her typical children to take several weeks to master what their classmates learned in a fraction of the time? Or did she have different expectations for her different children?
The outburst I made came from hearing just too many people oversimplify the experience of parenting a special needs child.  “Treat them the same as you would any other child.”  This sounds great.  Until you actually try it.  Any parent who truly does so either has an extremely high functioning kid or has powers that I do not understand.
The truth is every child has different abilities and some of those children have disabilities.  As a result, our expectations for each person are different.    Is the child with a very poor ability to retain information expected to remember her routines and responsibilities without reminders the way his classmates do?  Is a child that doesn’t understand spoken language very well expected  to follow verbal directions as well as a brother or sister?  Is a child with sensory processing disorder expected to stay as still, calm and patient as Peter Perfect?
I’ve tried the high expectations approach.  It makes me think about the reason why you shouldn’t teach a pig to sing.  It doesn’t work and it annoys the pig.  (There also should be something said about how miserable the singing teacher will be after attempting such an endeavor.) Of course, we have to set goals for our children and we can’t excuse every lack of effort or accomplishment by referring to their disability.  At the same time, expecting them to keep up with their typical peers either by treating them the same or having the same expectations is setting them up for failure.  Think about something you have always found difficult.  Now imagine you were expected you to keep up with an expert in that area.  Imagine that failure to do so would result in punishment or disapproval or simply being told you weren’t trying hard enough.    Would that make you feel inspired and motivated?  Or would it make you want to give up before you started?  Children with disabilities can’t possibly be expected to keep up with their peers in every way.   Doesn’t that just make sense?
It is difficult for many of us to identify when a child is just being a brat and when their behavior is truly part of a disability.  It is easy for those that don’t have disabled children to sit in judgment.  I remember neighbors telling me how much I was spoiling my child for carrying her in a sling when she should be riding in her stroller.  “Just let her cry it out,”  they’d say.  “Soon enough she’ll be crawling into it herself and saying ‘Let’s go mom!’”   (She is now 8 and has yet to spontaneously say “Let’s go mom!”) I had tried to force the stroller on her a little, but once I got a good understanding of sensory processing disorder, I was glad I hadn’t pushed it too far.  I have learned that just because someone confidently makes a statement on the wisdom and practice of parenting doesn’t mean they aren’t full of sh*t!
So if you don’t treat your children with disabilities any differently, why did you accept that specially adapted bike, why do you cut up his food for him at mealtime, why do you insist on special adaptations at IEP meetings, why do you take them to therapy or enroll them in special needs sporting events, why do you use a picture schedule?  Because you have to treat them differently! It’s just a matter of survival
I don’t treat my kid the same as I would any other child and I’m proud of it. I will treat my kid individually and I think both of us are better for it!


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