We were sitting in a support group listening to the early
intervention specialists. One of them
had a child with Down’s syndrome that was almost 18. Naturally, we started asking questions about
navigating the school system and setting the standards for her daughter’s
upbringing. “She treated her daughter
with Down’s syndrome exactly the same as her other children!” Her friend proudly stated. I couldn’t hold back and I blurted out “That
can’t possibly be true! Even with
neuro-typical children you can’t treat them all the same! How are you going to do that for a child with
special needs?” I realized my response
was a little explosive and I needed to pull back a little.
“Well I didn’t necessarily treat all my children the same,
but I had the same expectation for all of them.” I smiled and nodded. I felt like I had crossed the boundary of a
polite listener with my previous comment, so I didn’t say anything else. Nevertheless, this was bullshit too. This woman had just finished explaining to us
that her daughter would spend up to several weeks working on a language arts
lesson that took her neuro-typical peers just days. Did she ‘expect’ her typical children to take
several weeks to master what their classmates learned in a fraction of the
time? Or did she have different expectations for her different children?
The outburst I made came from hearing just too many people
oversimplify the experience of parenting a special needs child. “Treat them the same as you would any other
child.” This sounds great. Until you actually try it. Any parent who truly does so either has an
extremely high functioning kid or has powers that I do not understand.
The truth is every child has different abilities and some of
those children have disabilities. As a
result, our expectations for each person are different. Is the child with a very poor ability to
retain information expected to remember her routines and responsibilities
without reminders the way his classmates do?
Is a child that doesn’t understand spoken language very well
expected to follow verbal directions as
well as a brother or sister? Is a child
with sensory processing disorder expected to stay as still, calm and patient as
Peter Perfect?
I’ve tried the high expectations approach. It makes me think about the reason why you
shouldn’t teach a pig to sing. It
doesn’t work and it annoys the pig.
(There also should be something said about how miserable the singing
teacher will be after attempting such an endeavor.) Of course, we have to set
goals for our children and we can’t excuse every lack of effort or
accomplishment by referring to their disability. At the same time, expecting them to keep up
with their typical peers either by treating them the same or having the same
expectations is setting them up for failure. Think about something you have always found
difficult. Now imagine you were expected
you to keep up with an expert in that area. Imagine that failure to do so would result in
punishment or disapproval or simply being told you weren’t trying hard enough. Would that make you feel inspired and
motivated? Or would it make you want to
give up before you started? Children
with disabilities can’t possibly be expected to keep up with their peers in
every way. Doesn’t that just make
sense?
It is difficult for many of us to identify when a child is
just being a brat and when their behavior is truly part of a disability. It is easy for those that don’t have disabled
children to sit in judgment. I remember
neighbors telling me how much I was spoiling my child for carrying her in a
sling when she should be riding in her stroller. “Just let her cry it out,” they’d say.
“Soon enough she’ll be crawling into it herself and saying ‘Let’s go
mom!’” (She is now 8 and has yet to spontaneously say
“Let’s go mom!”) I had tried to force the stroller on her a little, but once I
got a good understanding of sensory processing disorder, I was glad I hadn’t
pushed it too far. I have learned that
just because someone confidently makes a statement on the wisdom and practice
of parenting doesn’t mean they aren’t full of sh*t!
So if you don’t treat your children with disabilities any
differently, why did you accept that specially adapted bike, why do you cut up
his food for him at mealtime, why do you insist on special adaptations at IEP meetings, why do you take
them to therapy or enroll them in special needs sporting events, why do you use
a picture schedule? Because you have to
treat them differently! It’s just a matter of survival
I don’t treat my kid the same as I would any other child and
I’m proud of it. I will treat my kid individually and I think both of us are
better for it!
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