In Defense of Those Who Stare

“My son/daughter may have autism but at least he/she doesn’t stare!”  This was a recent Facebook post from one of my FB friends.  I understood the sentiment, but I didn’t ‘share’ it or ‘like’ it because my daughter – who has autism- does stare.  She stares A LOT. Of course, I would like it if my daughter didn’t stare, especially at other people with disabilities. Staring however, it part of her autism.  It’s part of her difficulty with social rules and the sensitivities of other people.  Intensely watching other people is all she can do to try and learn about how others behave and how she can try to mimic them.  It helps her figure out the world around her.  I think stopping her from staring at people in public would first, be a losing battle and second, be an impediment to her development.   She needs all the developmental help she can get, so I won’t prevent her from staring.  If  staring is okay for her, how can I say it’s not okay for others?  The dirty, disapproving looks are not what I am talking about here.  Curiosity or a look at something unusual is what most staring is about and I think it’s unreasonable for us to expect that not to happen.   I also believe that when you go out in public, you have to accept the fact that people may look at you.  Looking may extend into staring.   You may think that’s rude, but other people may think that it’s rude for your kid to have a meltdown at the grocery store.  In either case, the offended party should suck it up and deal.  It’s part of living around other people in a community.  Not everyone is going to have the exact same standards of behavior for themselves or their children as you do.  So unless it’s causing you some serious physical or emotional harm, deal with it quietly. 

I had a very hostile incident with staring many years ago when I lived in Albuquerque.  I was shopping for produce in a grocery store when I noticed someone with an unusual gait.  Before I even realized I was looking, another woman got in my face and said “Did you want a picture?”  The anger in her voice said it all and before I could figure out what I had done that was so objectionable I apologized.  “Oh, I’m sorry,” I said.   

The woman got closer to my face and repeated “DID YOU WANT A PICTURE?”

“I apologize,” I said, more seriously this time.

“Yeah, well you SHOULD! ” She angrily replied as she march off.

Once I had a few minutes to put together what had happened, I did not feel badly about staring.  I was angry.  This woman had made her point and got an apology.  She could have been gracious, but she decided to be hateful.  What could have been a teachable moment ended up being one filled with animosity and hard feelings.  This does not help the cause of people with disabilities.  Instead of thinking that I should avoid staring I was planning my retort should a complete stranger ever verbally attack me like that again.   

Now, I have a daughter of my own with a disability.  Sometimes people stare but I assume that it is mainly because she’s beautiful… and a little unusual.    I always try to remember that it never helps to assume the worst from a simple look.

Bottom line: When you see people stare, understand that it’s part of their human nature.  They’re not necessarily judging or disapproving.  Don’t make too much of what is likely, a passing curiosity.  You may have a curious moment of your own.