There Goes Another Friendship

We were at the playground.  I saw my friend Kim and her little girl Sofie.  Sofie is 7 year old like Naomi.  Naomi and Sofie had played together before.  In the past, I had told Kim that I appreciated Sofie’s kindness.  Not everyone is patient with Naomi.  Lately, I had seen Sofie’s kindness waning but I realized that this is likely to be the case as children get older.  They notice more of a difference between typical  and kids like Naomi and they keep more of a distance.  It’s sad, but a fact of life.   On this particular day, I saw a side of Sofie I hadn’t seen before.  She was deliberately being unkind. 

Sofie was playing with another little girl and Naomi was intentionally being left out.  Sofie and her friend were actively avoiding her.   They were ducking away when Naomi walked by so they couldn’t be seen.  They walked  to another spot every time Naomi went to join them.   Sofie wasn’t saying anything mean aloud, but there was a lot of whispering and pointing that was clearly about Naomi and clearly not nice.    Kim and I could see from 30 feet away that Naomi was unwelcome in their play.  “She’s only seven,” I told myself.  “She doesn’t understand.”

“Sofie’s not intentionally ignoring  Naomi,” my friend Kim said.  “She just has trouble playing with more than one person at a time.” 

This was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard.   Sofie is the kind of kid that makes a friend in 30 seconds and is always in the middle of a group.    Of course, I couldn’t point this out.  “That’s okay.  We’re used to it.  Naomi has trouble keeping up socially, so it’s just the way it works out,”  I said.

I had mixed feelings about this interaction.  I guess it was nice that Kim recognized that Naomi was being left out, but I was bothered by the fact that she refused to acknowledge the obvious.  She knew her daughter was being unkind and she excused it.  Even some brief mention of talking to Sofie when they got home would have satisfied me.   Sofie is only 7 and she can’t be responsible for understanding something as complex as autism. But how should I feel about Kim?  I suppose Kim never stopped to think about what it feels like to watch her daughter from my angle, but it would be nice if she tried.

 The next week was Sofie’s birthday party.  I think Naomi had only been invited because they felt they had to reciprocate the invitation Sofie got for Naomi’s birthday a few months back.   It was going to be just be a bunch of kids at the mall’s play area and some cupcakes.  “For a gift, Sofie likes Rapunzel – ‘Tangled’ things and Dora,” Kim told me before I could even ask.   I bought a gift – a Rapunzel doll.  I will get the gift to her, but I made an excuse for us not to be at the party.    I imagined Naomi wouldn’t be missed and I wouldn’t miss seeing her left out.     

Kim is also pregnant.  I asked if she’d like me to get her some baby clothes or a box of diapers the day that I saw her and Sofie at the park.  “What I really need is formulae.  I’ll be using Similac. ”  Kim said.   I agreed to get her some and a few days later I got a phone call.  It was Kim.  “ I was wondering when you could drop off that formulae.  I have the C-section scheduled for the 9^th so if you could drop it off in the next couple of days, that would be great.”  - Alrightie then!  I’ll drop it off with the Rapunzel doll.   I wish that I could give for these occasions from the heart, but it’s just not a feeling I can muster.   I will simply give quickly and bow out graciously.  I will avoid Kim and Sofie in the future.  Maybe I’m too sensitive.   Maybe I should be more understanding. Maybe I should try to work things out.  However, I just don’t feel I can dispense with the emotional energy these days.  Bye Kim; Bye Sofie. I wish you both well.