The Fear of Loss

Like most of us, there’s lots of things I’m afraid of losing, but the hustle and bustle of everyday life keeps me from thinking about them much.  What I’m talking about here is the loss that haunts me most of the time.

My most common fear is loss of Naomi’s junk!  And I really mean junk.  The broken zipper from her doll’s dress, the tiny nerd boxes from her Halloween loot, the gift key chains from the insurance company, the expired gift cards from a big box store.  In time, Naomi will also see them as junk, but during a critical period they are as precious to her as gold.  They are her obsession, her comfort, her stim, her grounding.  She will insist on taking them everywhere.   I am grateful for this junk at times.  When Naomi is wrapped up in it, it can help keep her occupied so I can put the groceries away, answer the phone or make a quick trip to the bathroom without her even noticing.  With the tiniest distraction, they’re lost.  Temporarily lost, but lost and that is the precedent for a tragedy.

“Trick or Treat! Trick or treat ,” she screams.  I’ve got 20 seconds to figure out what it is she is looking for and find it.  Yes, the purple and pink Nerds boxes that she likes to shake.  I think she called them ‘trick or treat’ yesterday.   I last saw them on the dining room table.  Damn! They’re not there.   Maybe she put them on the shelf when she went to pick up her dolls.  Strike two!  I am trying to pretend I’m calm on the outside.  “Now Naomi, take a deep breath.  It’s okay.  We’ll find them.  Can you help me look?   If you can’t calm down, I’m not going to look for them. “   I may as well say “Pick it up a notch and throw in some aggression while you’re at it,”  because that’s what she’s doing.  She hits and kicks the floor and the tears start “Trick or Treat! Trick or Treat!” She screams louder.  The adrenaline flows faster through my veins.   We’re getting to the point of no return.  Where are those frigging Nerds?!   I’ve tried sitting down and refusing to look until she calms down in situations like this before.  Let’s just say it doesn’t work.  It's kind of like telling some one  to take it easy when their clothes catch on fire.   “Steven!  I yell.  Do you know where those pink and purple Nerds boxes are? “ 

“I think I saw them on the dining room table,” He answers

Okay, if he saw them there too,  they can’t have gone far.  She starts kicking the floor, pulling at her hair “TRICK OR TREAT”

Yes!  I find them!  They are in her plastic Halloween pumpkin!  I hold them up for her to see.  As she reaches for them, I pull back.  First you stop crying!

“Stop crying.” She repeats

“Take 3 deep breaths. “  She takes those breaths quickly.

“What do you have to say?”

 “I’m sorry mommy”

What do you have to do?

“Calm down.”

We go through this dialogue every time.  It doesn’t stop her from panicking the next time something is lost.  I guess as her mother, I just feel like I have to try something and she knows what she needs to say.

So when she goes to bed I make sure I know where those Nerd boxes are.  Yikes!! After searching out every possibility, Steven sneaks into her room with a flashlight.  Yes, they are beside her bed.

I will sleep better now that I know where they are.  Tomorrow, I’ll buy backups so that I never have to worry about finding Nerd boxes again.  Inevitably, as soon as I’m secured with more Nerd boxes than anyone would ever need, Naomi will lose interest and they will be forgotten junk.